Yup, you did it.
I'd ask you to fix it, but it feels too good.
A stick man striking a Charlie Brown pose while several spiral flowers coming out of his head.
Okay, so it's not professional-looking like this, but this baby made his first appearance on an old poetry book of mine.
The book in question had a black fabric binding. It looks exactly the same on both sides, and as a result of this, I would often pick it up and open the book upside down.
Now, most people would be only mildly annoyed by this, but this was the kind of thing that kept me up at night so:::::
I drew this.
And so, Mr. E was born.
The day we buried her it was 105 degrees in the shade.
I was born in the heat, goddamn it.
I've been living in the heat all of my life.
I've been known to wear jeans in 80 degree weather. (Fifty degree weather elicits a parka.)
So WHY is it so hot?
xxxxxxxxxx
It's never hot when you come over.
My coffee always comes out burt or bitter or otherwise completely damaged if there is anyone in the room with me. However when I am alone, blissfully completely alone, it is the necatr of the gods. It's not too hot or too cold; it's the right amount of sweet and creamy; the milk doesn't get that nasty film on its surface; and you never make it over here in time to taste it.
I'll call you, sure I will, but no mater how fast you come or how much time it takes you to get into my kitchen, the coffee is deathly cold when you arrive. And don't think we can reheat it, no sir. Not even the most meticulous of supervisions or the gentlest of reheatings would prevent unsightly and distasteful burning.
Perhaps I am destined to enjoy good coffee alone
or resolve to drink tea in the mornings.
In this day and age it is truly a sad state of affairs for the big corporations and manufacturing companies. Previously, these companies have employed the use of slaves and sweatshops, outsourcing, and other methods to maximize production and minimize expenses. However, with the inception of the United Nations and Amnesty International, not to mention all of Bono's meddling in Third World countries, this kind of labor has become impractical to maintain.
What is one supposed to do when searching for a dirt-cheap form of labor and ethics is not an issue?
The answer is actually quite simple.
Admittedly, it is one opion that has never been considered, let alone explored, but in all fairness neither was the telephone 200 years ago, and look where we are now.
I am talking, of course, about zombies.
First, one must find a shaman, or some other sort of witch doctor. His or her nationality is not important, but the Amazonian or Aborigine shamans are highly desirable and preferable for their reliability and efficiency. Cannibalism is always a plus, but one must always make sure to have plenty of lean-bodied virgins on hand to satisfy the insatiable appetite of the bush people, er, person in your employment (more than one shaman, while a good idea on paper is a terrible idea in practice). This, it would be useful to point out, is what interns are for.
After one has secured a good enough shaman, it is necessary to plan a trip to a place where many dead people can be found. Environmentalist or ancient Egyptian burial grounds are optimal places, because of the eschewing of traditional embalming procedures in these cultures. An unembalmed corpse will last up to three times as long as an embalmed one will.
One usually has to wait until the next full moon for the rising ceremony to be properly performed, but when the ritual has reached fruition, your shaman will have paid his/her cost nearly ten times over. Within a fortnight of the ritual's completion, your new cheap workforce has showed up at your door, stinking and willing to work.
Zombies, you ask?
We prefer to call them biologically challenged, or life-deprived laborers, but you can call them whatever you like as long as you keep them well-fed. These living dead workers will craft diligently at their offices for hours on end, never needing breaks and lunch hours that cost your company time and money.
Using zombies to replace your workforce is not entirely unwise.
There are, however, several precautions one must take to ensure the zombies do not get restless and turn on the shaman, or that the shaman himself gets fed up and decides to have the zombies attack the president of the company, which is a highly greusome and embarassing situation for all parties involved. This can all be easily subverted with a healthy diet of interns and health inspectors, which will be in plentiful scores on your facilities, considering the legion of the living dead currently residing on the premises.
In any of the experiments that have been hitherto conducted, no ill effects are to be had other than a pungent fragrance that can easily be dispelled with copious amounts of citronella candles that also keep away the flies. Moreover, the zombies are an unintelligent mob, something that one needs to remember when employing the undead. No matter how much they ask for it, it is completely prohibited to provide the zombies with brains. It makes them intelligent, and if there is one thing to be learned while on the corporate ladder, it is that intelligence among the plebeians only leads to trouble. (See all of history for examples.)
Furthermore, I cannot think of any objection to this proposal that has not insofar been mentioned. Additionally, as an intern probably facing several unpaid moments of sexual harrassment, I highly encourage the inception of a workforce that is both quiet and undead but not quite alive, either.
So remember:
Keep your shaman fed and watered, your zombies under control, and for god's sake, if you want to make a quick buck, do NOT, under any circumstances, let the workers wise up.
I'm sure you've seen them: those blue and yellow dens of doom that lie silently in your strip malls and shopping centers, preying on the insipid and the gullible.
I'm talking, of course, about the Build-a-Bear workshop.
It's a large, marketplace-style store in which you and your idiot child can purchase a custom made, plushy chunk of the system. BABWS (that's right, I'm using acronyms already...I'm not screwing around.) bypasses the simple brown bear and uncorks the veritable can of worms that is custom stuffed animals. You can pick nearly any animal from the standard brown bear to the more unorthodox dog or cat and the daring turtle. Then you dress them.
That's right.
Dress them.
Each of these all-inclusive "standard" purchases, which include the carcass, polyfill, its "heart", one set of clothes, and a birth certificate run the average (moron) consumer around $100 USD.
Behold, consumers..the most idiotic waste of money since the Croc shoe.
The Build-a-Bear, um, BEAR.
Am I the only one who is just a tad exasperated by this, or am I just going nuts?
I am in the firm belief that stuffed animals should not cost any more than $20 USD, unless the aforementioned animal is handmade and/or one-of-a-kind, or has some sort of artistic or historical value. I also believe that things being the way they are, we should be less concerned with dumb-ass companies making boatloads of money by putting "bear" in the middle of every goddamn word.
Also, knitted toys are much, MUCH better.
Case in point: Jacinto.
and Salvador.
At any rate, being in Puerto Rico allows us country bumpkins some leeway when it comes to mind-numbing consumer goods. We only just got phone lines and indoor plumbing last week. The future's so bright, I gotta wear shades.
Until approximately August of 2007, us jíbaros (pronounced HEE-bah-rohs) were blissfully free from such drivel.
And then the bears came.
To be fair, one cannot knock the availability, ingenuity, and marketability of these items, but the price just makes everything about BABWS and its sister companies (friends2bmade--for dolls. Think the bastard child of Barbie and Bratz with the same philosophy of BABWS) somehow sinister.
They excuse the steep cost of these polyfill rag dolls by donating ostentatiously to charity, which is not half bad, but why not bypass the damn teddy bears and give the c-note you were so selfishly spending on yourself to a children's hospital or a wildlife research fund? The charities recieve only a small part of whaterver BABWS makes, anyway, and only on special occasions when specific stuffed animals are built.
The price does not mirror the emotional quality of a standardized security blanket. The very same things they mean to replace with these mix-and-match teddy bears (a special, emotional companion..as described by their factsheet.) are worth thousands more if they were made by a loving relative, artisan, or the child itself.
In closing, I'd like to disclose that this blog topic was suggested by an avid consumer of BABWS, my otherwise intelligent cousin. She owns three of those wretched things, and belongs to the frequent buyer circle at BABWS, which means she unintelligently spent more than $1,000 USD there. I'm also pretty sure she doesn't own Crocs.
At least, I hope not.
