1 post tagged “cubicle farm”

In this day and age it is truly a sad state of affairs for the big corporations and manufacturing companies. Previously, these companies have employed the use of slaves and sweatshops, outsourcing, and other methods to maximize production and minimize expenses. However, with the inception of the United Nations and Amnesty International, not to mention all of Bono's meddling in Third World countries, this kind of labor has become impractical to maintain.

What is one supposed to do when searching for a dirt-cheap form of labor and ethics is not an issue?

The answer is actually quite simple.

Admittedly, it is one opion that has never been considered, let alone explored, but in all fairness neither was the telephone 200 years ago, and look where we are now.

I am talking, of course, about zombies.

First, one must find a shaman, or some other sort of witch doctor. His or her nationality is not important, but the Amazonian or Aborigine shamans are highly desirable and preferable for their reliability and efficiency. Cannibalism is always a plus, but one must always make sure to have plenty of lean-bodied virgins on hand to satisfy the insatiable appetite of the bush people, er, person in your employment (more than one shaman, while a good idea on paper is a terrible idea in practice). This, it would be useful to point out, is what interns are for.

After one has secured a good enough shaman, it is necessary to plan a trip to a place where many dead people can be found. Environmentalist or ancient Egyptian burial grounds are optimal places, because of the eschewing of traditional embalming procedures in these cultures. An unembalmed corpse will last up to three times as long as an embalmed one will.

One usually has to wait until the next full moon for the rising ceremony to be properly performed, but when the ritual has reached fruition, your shaman will have paid his/her cost nearly ten times over. Within a fortnight of the ritual's completion, your new cheap workforce has showed up at your door, stinking and willing to work.

Zombies, you ask?

We prefer to call them biologically challenged, or life-deprived laborers, but you can call them whatever you like as long as you keep them well-fed. These living dead workers will craft diligently at their offices for hours on end, never needing breaks and lunch hours that cost your company time and money.

Using zombies to replace your workforce is not entirely unwise.

There are, however, several precautions one must take to ensure the zombies do not get restless and turn on the shaman, or that the shaman himself gets fed up and decides to have the zombies attack the president of the company, which is a highly greusome and embarassing situation for all parties involved. This can all be easily subverted with a healthy diet of interns and health inspectors, which will be in plentiful scores on your facilities, considering the legion of the living dead currently residing on the premises.

In any of the experiments that have been hitherto conducted, no ill effects are to be had other than a pungent fragrance that can easily be dispelled with copious amounts of citronella candles that also keep away the flies. Moreover, the zombies are an unintelligent mob, something that one needs to remember when employing the undead. No matter how much they ask for it, it is completely prohibited to provide the zombies with brains. It makes them intelligent, and if there is one thing to be learned while on the corporate ladder, it is that intelligence among the plebeians only leads to trouble. (See all of history for examples.)

Furthermore, I cannot think of any objection to this proposal that has not insofar been mentioned. Additionally, as an intern probably facing several unpaid moments of sexual harrassment, I highly encourage the inception of a workforce that is both quiet and undead but not quite alive, either.

So remember:

Keep your shaman fed and watered, your zombies under control, and for god's sake, if you want to make a quick buck, do NOT, under any circumstances, let the workers wise up.